Chapter 1 Skill # 1 SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS

Chapter 2 Skill # 2 PAY ATTENTION

Chapter 3 Skill # 3 CALMLY TALK TO TEACH

Chapter 4 Skill # 4 SEIZE CONTROL

Chapter 5 Skill # 5 PLAN DISCIPLINE AND FOLLOW THROUGH

Chapter 6 Skill # 6 BALANCE YOUR SUPPORT AND CONTROL

Chapter 7 Skill # 7 KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON THEM

Skill #1

SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS: How to adjust your expectations and reactions for good parenting results

“When he was little, he was my sweet little boy. I’ve always loved him, but he doesn’t seem to care about me anymore. He even cusses at me. He’s been staying out late, and I’m afraid he’s getting into trouble. And now, no matter what I do, my other kids won’t do what I say. I can’t believe this is happening.” This tearful mother’s story is like so many told to us these days.

It’s always nicer to hear things like what this parent recently told us, “My kids are great. I’m so proud of them and love being with them. Why do they have to grow up so fast? Well, even when they move out on their own, we’ll always have each other.”

What made the difference for these two parents? Can parents really still influence how their kids turn out in this complicated world? The answer is YES! Both of these parents love their children, but today it takes certain skills to raise happy, well-behaved kids. Learning these methods when your kids are very young makes parenting the easiest, but it makes parenting easier no matter when you start using them. It is hardly ever too late to change what you are doing with your children to get better results. In fact, we have a surprise for you—both statements above came from the same parent, before and after she learned new skills to use with her kids! She turned life around for herself and her children. The good news is, most anyone who wants to can learn the skills that successful parents use. What parents do clearly does influence how children turn out.

Most people have opinions on how to raise children, and parents often get conflicting or complicated advice. It can get confusing, and it’s hard to know whose advice to trust, including from professionals like us. When we started our family together, we joked with our friends that our poor kids would have no chance of being normal, since one of us is a child psychologist and professor, and the other is a physician. Well, we actually have two fantastic, happy teenagers who we love being with! We are a husband-wife author team who use the 7 Skills ourselves with great results.

Today's parents don't have to rely on opinions but can follow the methods shown by research and clinical experience to work best (interested readers can find our research literature references in the back of the book). In this chapter, we will tell you how you can prepare yourself to make these methods work the best. This involves looking at yourself as a parent, and so our symbol for this skill is a mirror.

One of the hardest jobs we parents have is to teach our kids how to act. When children feel close to us, it’s easier to teach them, and their behavior is naturally better. In fact, when parents and children say they have a close relationship, serious behavior problems are rare. When your bond is strong, kids are more sensitive to what you want, and they want to please you. So you won’t have to discipline as much, but when you do, it’ll work much better and for longer. The time you spend on your relationship now will save you tons of time and energy in the future...

(read on in the book for all the parenting instructions you need for success)

Skill #2

PAY ATTENTION: How to give your children attention in ways that work

Homes with children can be like grand central station, and parents can lead hectic lives on the edge. We sure do! At times, it may seem like there isn’t enough time to eat and sleep, much less pay attention to your kids. But, making your relationship better by paying attention doesn’t need to take much time, and it saves you heartache and tons of time on discipline. Doing it doesn’t need to be expensive. It just needs to be a commitment. The symbol for this skill is a bell. It is ringing to get your attention and remind you how important attention is to your kids.

When you give hugs and say “I love you,” it helps jump start a positive relationship. But giving other kinds of attention makes the relationship stronger. How much and what kinds of attention do kids need, you ask? Plus, how do you know if it’s good for them or just spoiling them rotten? Well, if we can have your kind attention, we’ll explain. In this chapter, we will teach you skills and activities that will build your relationship and make your kids pay more attention to what you say. We bet that last part perked up your ears!

Children need time with you and certain kinds of attention Most parents spend daily time with their kids, tending to housework, homework, and other family routines. But studies show that most of this time together doesn’t improve the relationships between parent and child. Children need certain types of attention, which we call “good attention,” to nurture them and to strengthen their bond with us. Good attention is the kind that helps children learn good behavior, and feel special and loved. Good attention is the kind that builds children’s respect and affection for their parents. It makes parenting much easier. This chapter is all about giving good attention.

Nourish your child with good attention and not things

When adults are asked about their fondest childhood memories, they mostly remember things they did with their parents, and not what their parents bought them. So be careful not to think that good attention equals buying things for your kids. If you do, they may start to think that getting gifts or money means being loved. Many busy parents give presents to try to substitute for the time they can’t, or don’t want to, spend with their kids. When those kids grow up and know the difference, they realize they would rather have gotten good attention.

Think of your relationship as being a savings account When you give your child good attention, you make a deposit into your Relationship Savings Account. Cha-ching! When you overreact, or harshly punish, you make a withdrawal. Make a strong relationship by making as many deposits and as few withdrawals as possible. Like any savings plan, the earlier you get started, the better. You’ll really benefit from having a high account balance when your kids reach puberty! Thinking of good attention as putting money in the bank really isn’t as far off as you may think. Having to send a troubled youth off to a residential treatment facility can easily cost over $100,000 a year, and insurance pays for little or none of it! The good attention you give your children today can literally save you thousands of dollars in the future. How to know if you are spoiling your kids

Starting at about age 4, children may be spoiled if they’re used to getting what they want and having things their own way. Spoiled kids think their needs and wants are much more important than others’ needs and wants, and they complain, throw fits and otherwise manipulate parents into giving them what they want. They are demanding and hard to be around, and have trouble following rules. Makes you want one, huh?

Many parents find it hard to determine whether they are spoiling their children…
(read on in the book for all the parenting instructions you need for success)

Skill #3

CALMLY TALK TO TEACH: How to lower your stress while teaching kids to listen, be respectful and build healthy self-esteem

It’s every parent’s dream to say, “When I talk, my kids listen.” But not all dreams come true, even when you wish upon a star! Children hear many famous lines from parents, like “You’re not listening again,” “Why can’t you listen?” and “Are you listening to me?” Well, apparently a child’s brain translates these lines into, “Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah!” Kids don’t listen any better after we say them. Many parents grumble that asking a child to do something over and over still doesn’t get it done.

When you tell kids to do something, what you want is action! Well, how you talk to your kids makes all the difference. Here we’ll give you proven ways to stay calm, and talk to your kids so that they will listen, understand and obey you more. We’ll also give you ways to promote polite, respectful behavior while keeping a close relationship. How you talk to your kids also affects how they feel about you and themselves. We’ll explain how self-esteem in children is often misunderstood, and how to make it healthy. This skill of calmly talking to teach helps you get what you want: a happy kid who wants to be good. Our symbol for this is a relaxed parent talking into a child’s ear. First, let’s start with a common stress in parenting…anger.

Controlling anger makes parenting easier and less stressful

Everyone gets mad, including the best parents. But anger can turn ugly for the family if parents are often angry, or if anger is expressed in unhealthy ways. Unhealthy ways of expressing anger include being aggressive, making fun of or putting people down, being sarcastic, or physically threatening others. Also, anytime you think, “Wow, I really over reacted” is probably a time when your anger was unhealthy. By aggressive, we mean dominating a child, as if he or she is the enemy. It means using hostile, shaming or threatening words, attacking a child’s worth, throwing things, screaming at or hitting a child (or an object), shaking fists or snarling. Aggression and other unhealthy anger make parents lose their kids’ respect and affection.

Unhealthy anger is a common cause of stress in parents. It’s also linked to road rage, heart disease and physical abuse. It’s one of the most common reasons that parenting gets harder over time. That’s because, when it’s expressed in the ways described in the last paragraph, it creates discipline problems. Please be aware that parents are more likely to express unhealthy anger when they’ve been drinking or getting high.

On the flip side, some parents deny their anger or bottle it up so no one else sees it. Not expressing anger enough can create other problems—depression, substance abuse and unpredictable outbursts that get you into trouble. Tears can be a healthy way to express anger, but get help if you find yourself crying often.

While it’s natural to be angry, learning to express it in healthy ways does NOT come naturally—but we can learn it. Your kids will learn how to do it just by watching you. You know you’re expressing anger in a healthy way if you can tell your kids why you’re upset, and what they need to do about it, while staying calm and in control. This is a way to be assertive with your kids and stick up for yourself.

If you’re very angry, count to ten before you say, “I’m feeling very angry right now…” Then talk it out. Say, “I think…” or “I feel…” instead of “You did…” Everyone needs an outlet for anger sometimes. Just be careful that your children don’t become that outlet, just because they’re around. Take a walk, run around the block, or hit a mattress, pillow or boxing bag instead of taking it out on your kids. Exercising, writing down your thoughts, prayer and meditation can also help you cool down.

Healthy anger can be a good motivator to change things that need to be…
(read on in the book for all the parenting instructions you need for success)

Skill #4

SEIZE CONTROL: How to set limits on what they do, choose your battles, and help them develop good character

The biggest struggle for parents can be getting kids to obey and behave. Different challenges come up as they grow from little tykes to teenyboppers. Why is it that some kids seem to know right from wrong, while others get into trouble? And why do some parents seem to let their kids do anything, and others almost constantly order their kids around? This all has to do with how parents set limits.

The skill of limit setting will help you seize control of how your kids behave. Think of it as reaching for and holding your child’s hand—which is this skill’s symbol. Here we’ll spell out how you can seize control of your children’s behavior in ways that develop their own self-control and character.

A limit is basically how you want your child to behave

It’s anything that you want your child to do (“brush your teeth every night”), or not do (“no hitting”). It’s a rule that you set. Children need limits just about as much as they need food and clothing. Oh really? Well, proper clothing and food are essential for physical health, and limits on their behavior are essential for their psychological health—and yours!

Setting limits is the first step in fixing and preventing behavior problems. It’s also the way parents develop a child’s character. The methods in this chapter are recommended only for children 3 years and older. For infants and toddlers, please see chapter eight instead.

Setting limits helps parents raise good, happy kids

Children who aren’t given proper limits miss out on an important part of childhood. That’s because limits help make a child’s world safe, structured and predictable. The more predictable their lives, the less stressed they are. Kids who are less stressed behave better and are happier. To feel secure and happy, children also need to feel that their parents have control.

One of the cruel facts of parenting is that while all children need, and often want limits, they will usually resist them. We’ll give you ways to set limits to help your kids accept them. We’ll help you deal with arguing and debating, and show you how to choose your battles to decrease your stress.

How to Decide What Behavior Limits to Set

Many parents wonder if they’re setting the right limits for their children. What should they allow and not allow their kids to do? What should they insist that their kids do? We’ll give you a tool to help you decide what you think is right. But first, let’s see what happens when you set limits that are too hard, too soft, or just right. Yes— it’s just like when Goldilocks tries all the bears’ chairs to find the best fit.

What happens when you set limits that are too hard?

If children think limits are too hard to follow, or if there are just too many, they may feel like they can’t do anything right. They may think that parents care more about orderliness and control than about them. Then they may act out more and rebel.

Limits that are too hard to meet can lead to trouble making choices, or anxiety about not succeeding. Too many limits (or very rigid ones) can also result in power struggles and irresponsibility as children get older. Parents who have a knee-jerk reaction to just say “no” to their kids will find that their children stop asking and start doing whatever they want.

What about limits that are too soft or not enforced?

It’s also possible for parents to be too lax with their limits. Children who don’t get enough limits feel like no one really cares about them (and they may be right). If taken too far, parents who don’t set enough limits are guilty of neglect. Kids with too few limits have trouble behaving and becoming responsible adults. Parents can also be too soft...

(read on in the book for all the parenting instructions you need for success)

Skill #5

PLAN DISCIPLINE AND FOLLOW THROUGH: How to use consequences, teach responsibility, and be consistent

And now, what you’ve all been waiting for…the meat and potatoes…the big Kahuna. This chapter is where we’ll show you how to get little Maria and Johnny to do what you want when they don’t obey. We’ll tell you how to enforce all of those good limits you pick. You’ll learn how to plan discipline and be consistent, so your symbol for this skill is a planner notebook.

Some of you may be peeking ahead to this skill, skipping over all the important earlier stuff. You may be telling yourself, “Ya-ya, I’ll do special time later, after I get Johnny’s behavior turned around.” If this is what you’re thinking, STOP. Please go back to skills one through four and practice them for at least one month first.

The reason we’re making such a big deal about this is that discipline success depends on a strong relationship with your kids. In fact, it’s the most important discipline tool you have. With a strong bond, you won’t have to discipline as much, and your kids will often behave because they want to, not because they have to. But when your relationship is strained, kids may push you away and be influenced by other people. They may also push your buttons, get revenge or embarrass you.

Starting a discipline plan without strengthening your relationship is like building a house on a marsh. Just as a house needs a solid foundation, a strong relationship with your kids is the foundation for discipline. A house built on a marsh won’t last very long and you’ll soon have to do repairs. So using the first three skills will save you so much time and energy. For infants and children 3 years old and younger, please use chapter eight instructions instead.

What is discipline?

Since one of the definitions of discipline is “to punish,” many parents assume that discipline is hurting kids if they don’t obey. This is similar to the old idea, “Spare the rod, and spoil the child.” (People often think this quote is in the Christian Bible, but it isn’t.) That definition won’t help you get good behavior. Discipline is much more than punishment.

Rewards and punishments are consequences used in discipline

Consequences are what you give your kids for either good or bad behavior, in order to enforce the limits you set. A reward is anything that happens after children do something good to increase the chance they’ll do it again. Studies show that any behavior you reward will happen not only again, but more often. The flip side of reward is punishment. Punishment is anything that happens after children do something bad that decreases the chance they’ll do it again.

Rewards and punishments can be confusing. Parents might think that because they do something after their kids have been naughty, they must be punishing them. But whether these consequences are seen as rewards or punishments is in the eye of the beholder—your child. Just as opera is beautiful music to some and annoying noise to others, whether consequences are rewards or punishments depend on one’s perspective.

For example, little Camille has been acting naughty all day. She drew on the walls and pulled your hair. You decide to punish her, so you put her in her room and say that she can’t come out until she says she’s sorry. You expect her to come out soon. You wait, and wait, and wait. No Camille. Finally, you peak into her room and find her quietly playing with toys. You ask, “Are you ready to say sorry?” She says …

(read on in the book for all the parenting instructions you need for success)

Skill #6

BALANCE YOUR SUPPORT AND CONTROL: How to optimize your parenting style for good behavior, independence and resilience

If you’re a computer user, support and control may not sound like parenting words—they’re what you need for software and a tab on your keyboard. But we’re not talking about computers here, or ladies’ undergarments either! The words support and control nicely sum up in a nutshell the two things that kids need from parents.

Supporting your children means being positively involved in their lives, giving warmth and affection, and being tuned into and supplying what they need. It means accepting them and encouraging them to be individuals. It’s what you do to help them grow up emotionally healthy and happy. Using the first three skills helps you provide this support.

Controlling your children means providing limits, discipline and supervision. It means expecting things from them, such as that they will get more mature with time and that they will stay part of the family. It’s what you do to influence their behavior. Skills #4 and #5 help you provide the control and consistency your children need.

Some parents spend more effort on supporting their kids, and don’t use much control. Some parents do it the other way around. Parents who use medium amounts of both support and control make their job the easiest and get the best results. That’s why your symbol for this skill is a balance.

What’s a parent to do to find that good balance between support and control? And when does discipline go too far so that a child’s self-esteem and chance for success are lowered? Or when is a parent being too lax so that the child isn’t learning responsibility? Let us explain.

A parent’s “style” reflects the kind and amount of support and control he or she uses. We’ll describe parenting styles so you can see what style you use now. Then we’ll tell you how your style affects you and your kids, and how to modify it for the best results. But first, let’s start with the low-down on ways parents control their kids.

Controlling Your Children:
How to Have Healthy Expectations

The first way parents control their kids is by setting limits on behavior. But kids need breaks from having to be good and meeting our expectations, just like we need breaks from our jobs. So it’s important not to give unnecessary limits and or make expectations too high.

Allow your kids to make safe personal choices

Parents have many expectations, from what kids achieve to how they dress. Many of these aren’t really required to grow up successfully. That means your child has some choice in these matters. When kids are allowed to make some choices about their day, they feel in control of their lives. This control helps them feel confident and happy.

Use P.S. I’M HELPING from skill #4 to set healthy limits on what your kids do. If a behavior doesn’t fall into one of those important categories for which to set a limit, it seems like a safe, personal choice to allow (even if you wouldn’t choose it). So, you might allow your kids to wear flip-flops instead of shoes. But allowing preteen girls to dress in scanty, sexual styles is not an appropriate or safe choice, for instance. Allowing safe personal choices is part of choosing your battles and letting your kids move toward independence. It’s a key to avoiding over-control of your children. This is especially important for teenagers.

Besides setting limits, there are other ways that parents control their kids. Here are ways that control can go overboard and backfire.

Look at what you expect from their activities

Activities in and outside of school (like clubs, drama, music, religious youth groups and sports) can help children make friends, have fun, gain confidence, and learn responsibility. But parents need to ask …

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Skill #7

KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON THEM: How to monitor and manage outside influences to prevent problems

Who would have thought that boys would ever wear their pants clear below their butts—on purpose! Back when we were growing up, boys wore pants tighter than the law should’ve allowed. And girls were embarrassed to show their underwear in public. Now bra straps aren’t hidden, but shown off! Why do kids follow fashion trends anyway? We suspect it isn’t because they think it’s attractive. It’s because other kids do it. It’s part of their quest to be cool (or hot, as the case may be).

But kids can be influenced in more lasting and dangerous ways than fashion faux pas. There are other people and things that can destroy your best efforts to raise them to be successful, happy adults. Using the first six skills greatly cuts the chance that your children will have behavior and emotional problems. But you can do all these skills well, and you can still have trouble if you don’t monitor and manage things that greatly influence your children.

Monitoring your children is essential for parenting success Let’s start by talking about how to best monitor your children. Your symbol for this skill is eye glasses. Monitoring is what you do to find out what your children are doing, where, and with whom. Asking questions of your child, their friends and their friends’ parents, as well as supervising activities, are all recommended ways to monitor.

The research is very clear—when parents monitor well, children have better grades, and are less likely to pick up bad habits from peers, use substances, and be involved in crime. The best possible results take place when kids freely tell their parents what is going on and what they are up to. This is most likely to happen when your relationship is in good shape, and you use open communication.

Although monitoring is necessary for raising good kids, excessive monitoring can hurt parenting. Researchers have a name for this—they call it intrusive parenting. Think of it as “intruding” into a child’s life or development in harmful ways. Intruding can cause older children, especially teens, to feel that their parents are being too controlling, or interfering in their lives, for no good reason. This can lead kids to rebel against their parents, and do risky things. It cuts off communication and hurts the relationships between parents and their kids.

How to know if you are monitoring too much by being intrusive

Check if you are doing any of these intrusive things, and read the comments on how you could do things differently.

1. You are involved in things that your children have shown they can take responsibility for themselves. For example, your child consistently turns in homework on time, but you still ask when he needs to turn in assignments and check that he does. Keep in mind that monitoring isn’t the same for every child and for every activity. It isn’t like a set speed limit that is always the same. Monitoring should be flexible. If your child has shown that she is responsible in a certain way (she does her chores without you asking), then don’t check on her chores every day. But, if she hasn’t done her chores consistently, then continue to check daily until she does.
   
   
2. You solve problems for your child, or do things for him that he should be doing himself (or learning to do by himself). Examples include laying out clothes for a high school student, or telling kids how to handle social situations when they don’t ask for help. Children, especially teens, want and need to be able to decide and do many things themselves. Use P.S. I’M HELPING to decide if you need to get involved in something that your child is doing.
   
   
3. You invade their privacy without good reason, like listening to phone conversations, reading e-mails, or barging into their room without knocking. This includes being involved in activities when it …
   

(read on in the book for all the parenting instructions you need for success)