Chapter 1 Skill # 1 SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS

Chapter 2 Skill # 2 PAY ATTENTION

Chapter 3 Skill # 3 CALMLY TALK TO TEACH

Chapter 4 Skill # 4 SEIZE CONTROL

Chapter 5 Skill # 5 PLAN DISCIPLINE AND FOLLOW THROUGH

Chapter 6 Skill # 6 BALANCE YOUR SUPPORT AND CONTROL

Chapter 7 Skill # 7 KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON THEM

Skill #1

SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS: How to adjust your expectations and reactions for good parenting results

“When he was little, he was my sweet little boy. I’ve always loved him, but he doesn’t seem to care about me anymore. He even cusses at me. He’s been staying out late, and I’m afraid he’s getting into trouble. And now, no matter what I do, my other kids won’t do what I say. I can’t believe this is happening.” This tearful mother’s story is like so many told to us these days.

It’s always nicer to hear things like what this parent recently told us, “My kids are great. I’m so proud of them and love being with them. Why do they have to grow up so fast? Well, even when they move out on their own, we’ll always have each other.”

What made the difference for these two parents? Can parents really still influence how their kids turn out in this complicated world? The answer is YES! Both of these parents love their children, but today it takes certain skills to raise happy, well-behaved kids. Learning these methods when your kids are very young makes parenting the easiest, but it makes parenting easier no matter when you start using them. It is hardly ever too late to change what you are doing with your children to get better results. In fact, we have a surprise for you—both statements above came from the same parent, before and after she learned new skills to use with her kids! She turned life around for herself and her children. The good news is, most anyone who wants to can learn the skills that successful parents use. What parents do clearly does influence how children turn out.

Most people have opinions on how to raise children, and parents often get conflicting or complicated advice. It can get confusing, and it’s hard to know whose advice to trust, including from professionals like us. When we started our family together, we joked with our friends that our poor kids would have no chance of being normal, since one of us is a child psychologist and professor, and the other is a physician. Well, we actually have two fantastic, happy teenagers whom we love to be with! We are a husband-wife author team who use the 7 Skills ourselves with great results.

Today's parents don't have to rely on opinions but can follow the methods shown by research and clinical experience to work best (interested readers can find our research literature references in the back of the book). In this chapter, we will tell you how you can prepare yourself to make these methods work the best. This involves looking at yourself as a parent, and so our symbol for this skill is a mirror.

These relationships need to withstand the tests of time and today's stressful living. But there are two things that parents often let interfere with forming and keeping these relationships strong: what they expect from their children and how they react to them. Setting yourself up for success means that you have the skill to recognize and deal with these things that affect your relationships with your kids. This is a skill often lacked by parents who have trouble with their children.

We'll explain how to find realistic expectations for yourself and your children in this chapter. We parents can realistically be expected to work on our own issues that affect parenting. And we can also expect ourselves to deal with problems in our kids that can keep them from becoming successful adults. We'll help you recognize both what these problems are, and when you need to react to them. Then we'll cover how to avoid unneccessary emotional reactions with your kids. This skill will set you up for using effective discipline. But first, let's talk about why having a strong connection with your kids is such a big deal.

Skill #2

PAY ATTENTION: How to give your children attention in ways that work

Homes with children can be like grand central station, and parents can lead hectic lives on the edge. We sure do! At times, it may seem like there isn't enough time to eat and sleep, much less pay attention to your kids.

But, making your relationship better by paying attention doesn't need to take much time, and it saves you heartache and tons of time on discipline. Doing it doesn't need to be expensive. It just needs to be a commitment. The symbol for this skill is a bell. It is ringing to get your attention and remind you how important attention is to your kids.

When you give hugs and say "I love you," it helps jump start a positive relationship. But giving other kinds of attention makes the relationship stronger. How much and what kinds of attention do kids need, you ask? Plus, how do you know if it's good for them or just spoiling them rotten? Well, if we can have your kind attention, we'll explain.

In this chapter, we will teach you skills and activities that will build your relationships and make your kids pay more attention to what you say. We bet that last part perked up your ears!

Skill #3

CALMLY TALK TO TEACH:How to lower your stress while teaching kids to listen, be respectful and build healthy self-esteem

It's very parent's dream to say, "When I talk, my kids listen." But not all dreams come true, even when you wish upon a star! Children hear many famous lines from parents, like "Are you listening to me?" Well, apparently a child's brain translates these lines into, "Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah!" Kids don't listen any better after we say them.

Many parents grumble that asking a child to do something over and over still doesn't get it done. When you tell kids to do something, what you want is action! Well, how you talk to your kids makes all the difference.

Here we'll give you proven ways to stay calm, and talk to your kids so that they will listen, understand and obey you more. We'll also give you ways to promote polite, respectful behavior while keeping a close relationship. How you talk to your kids affects how they feel about you.

How you talk to your kids also affects how they feel about themselves. We'll explain how self-esteem in children is often misunderstood, and how to make it healthy.

This skill of calmly talking to teach helps you get what you want: a happy kid who wants to be good. Our symbol for this is a relaxed parent talking into a child's ear. First, let's start with a common stress in parenting...anger.

Skill #4

SEIZE CONTROL: How to set limits on what they do, choose your battles, and help them develop good character

The biggest struggle for parents can be getting kids to obey and behave. Different challenges come up as they grow from little tykes to teenyboppers. Why is it that some kids seem to know right from wrong, while others get into trouble? And why do some parents seem to let their kids do anything, and others almost constantly order their kids around? This all has to do with how parents set limits.

The skill of limit setting will help you seize control of how your kids behave. Think of it as reaching for and holding your child's hand- which is this skill's symbol. Here we'll spell out how you can seize control of your children's behavior in ways that develop their own self-control and character.

A limit is basically how you want your child to behave. It's anything that you want your child to do ("brush your teeth every night"), or not do ("no hitting"). It's a rule that you set. Children need limits just about as much as they need food and clothing. Oh really? Well, proper clothing and food are essential for their psychological health- and yours!

Setting limits is the first step in fixing and preventing behavior problems. It's also a way that parents develop a child's character. This can be started when kids are 3 years old, but may not work consistently until they are 4 and older. For toddlers, see chapter eight instead.

Skill #5

PLAN DISCIPLINE AND FOLLOW THROUGH: How to use consequences, teach responsibility and consistent

And now, what you've all been waiting for...the meat and potatoes...the big Kahuna. This chapter is where we'll show you how to get little Maria and Johnny to do what you want when they don't obey. We'll tell you how to enforce all of those good limits you pick. You'll learn how to plan discipline and be consistent, so your symbol for this skill is a planner notebook.

Some of you may be peeking ahead to this skill, skipping over all the important earlier stuff. You may be telling yourself, "Ya-ya, I'll do special time later, after I get Johnny's behavior turned around." If this is what you're thinking, please STOP. Please go back to skills one through four and practice them for at least one month first.

The reason we're making such a big deal about this is that discipline success depends on a strong relationship with your kids. In fact, it's the most important discipline tool you have. With a strong bond, you won't have to discipline as much, and your kids will often behave because they want to. But when your relationship is strained, kids may push you away and be influenced by other people. They may also push your buttons, get revenge or embarrass you.

Starting a discipline plan without strengthening your relationship is like building a house on a marsh. Just as a house needs a solid foundation, a strong relationship with your kids is the foundation for discipline. A house built on a marsh won't last very long and you'll soon have to do repairs. So using the first three skills will save you so much time and energy.

You can start using these methods when your children are 3 years old, but they may only work consistently when your children are 4 and older. For children 2 years old and younger, please use chapter eight instructions instead.

Skill #6

BALANCE YOUR SUPPORT AND CONTROL: How to optimize your parenting style for good behavior, independence and resilience

If you're a computer user, support and control may not sound like parenting words- they're what you need for software and a tab on your keyboard. But we're not talking about computers here, or ladies undergarments either! The words support and control nicely sum up in a nutshell the two things that kids need from parents.

Supporting your children means being positively involved in their lives, giving warmth and affection, and being tuned into and supplying what they need. It means accepting them and encouraging them to be individuals. It's what you do to help them grow up emotionally healthy and happy. Using the first three skills helps you provide this support.

Controlling your children means providing limits, discipline and supervision. It means expecting things from them, such as that they will get more mature with time and that they will stay a part of the family. It's what you do to influence their behavior. Skills #4 and #5 help you provide the control and consistency your children need.

Some parents spend more effort on supporting their kids, and don't use much control. Some parents do it the other way around. Parents who use medium amounts of both support and control make their jobs the easiest and get the best results. That's why your symbol for this skills is a balance.

What's a parent to do to find that good balance between support and control? And when does discipline go too far so that a child's self-esteem and chance for success are lowered? Or when is a parent being too lax so that a child isn't learning responsibility? Let us explain.

Skill #7

KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON THEM: How to monitor and manage outside influences to prevent problems

Who would have thought that boys would wear their pants clear below their butts- on purpose! Back when we were growing up, boys wore pants tighter than the law should've allowed. And girls were embarrassed to show their underwear in public. Now bra straps aren't hidden, but shown off!

Why do kids follow a fashion trend anyway? We suspect it isn't because they it's attractive. It's because other kids do it. It's part of a quest to be cool (or hot, as the case may be).

But kids can be influenced in more lasting and dangerous ways than fashion faux pas. There are other people and things that can destroy your best efforts to raise them to be successful, happy adults. Using the first six skills greatly cuts the chance that your children will have behavior and emotional problems. But you can do all these skills well, and you can still have trouble if you don't monitor and manage things that greatly influence your children.

(read on in the book for all the parenting instructions you need for success)